"The Bald Eagle"

Late afternoon on Sunday found me sitting in my garage trimming my hair. This isn’t an entirely out of the ordinary occurrence, and I’m actually pretty good at keeping things even. Of course, that plastic depth guard helps. The thing the evil hair clipper manufacturer fat cats fail to mention is that you should ALWAYS double-, no, triple-check that said guard is on the clippers.

Should you fail to triple-check, there’s a surprisingly high probability that your noggin will end up with a bald strip the width of the clipper blade.

The sad thing is that this the second time this has happened to me. The first time I gave myself a reverse mohawk, carving a valley right down the middle of my head. Luckily, the hair on the tippy top of my head is thin anyway, so once I’d trimmed the rest to 1/8 inch, it didn’t look that bad. The really sad thing is that since I don’t have to cut my hair that often, I’ve only done it 10 or so times. That means I have a 20 percent failure rate.

This time, I accidentally shaved (and believe me, “shaved” is the right word) my right temple. I didn’t think I could rescue the situation by myself (plus I’d lost my 1/8 inch guard) so I called up Chris to see if he and Katie would be willing to help me decide on a new do. I was pretty sure he’d be willing, since one of his all-time favorite stories is when I showed up at his door with my new unmohawk and a sheepish grin. (When I called to see if I could come over, all I had to say was “so I was cutting my hair and…” and he started laughing.)

Anyway, they helped and despite looking like I have 3-day stubble growth all over my head, it actually looks pretty good and – most important – intentional. Chris and Katie tried to persuade me to go ahead and “bic it,” but I’m not ready to make that commitment yet. I have this sneaking suspicion I have a funny-shaped head with odd lumps here and there.

Even though I’m not ready make the bald plunge, I did get a chance to think about the potential advantages of being among the follicle-challenged. Heck, I’m 95 percent there already. And that remaining 5 percent is only a matter of time.

  • I’m going to save a fortune on shampoo. You can’t overestimate the value of frugality in today’s economy.
  • Washing my hair will take a cool 13 seconds. Styling it will take zero seconds.
  • If I go ahead and bic it, I can finally donate to Locks of Love.
  • Just think how much more aerodynamic I’m going to be! I’m going to be setting land speed records left and right.
  • I look good in hats.
  • I can further cement my new nickname: “The Bald Eagle.”
  • The line between me and Vin Diesel is further blurred.
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