Must See TV: Brian’s Super Bowl Commercial Wrap Up

It’s been more than six weeks since my last “real” post, so you’d better believe I’m going to take this opportunity to review the year’s biggest day in entertainment.
4:40 p.m. Opening Thoughts
But before we get into the Big Show, we need to get a few things clear from the get-go:
  • I’m not going to do every commercial, just the “big ones” front kick off to the final whistle.
  • It’s not clever or ironically hip to say “I only watch the Super Bowl for the commercials.” It might have been 15 years ago, but in a day where the hits are re-aired as news the next morning on Good Morning America and certain ads have been released weeks before kick off, everyone knows they’re a big deal.  
  • Speaking of pre-released ads, I’m not feeling it. At upwards of $4 million for a 30-second spot, I get that you want to go ahead and get the most bang for your buck, by hoping to get a viral hit early. But by releasing it early, I just think companies are giving people ads they will have already seen and thus give people a chance to go reload on Uncle Charlie’s Famous 82-Layer Bean Dip instead of watching your multi-million dollar ad featuring talking monkeys.
  • My early, pre-game pick for Commercial of the Night goes to Volkswagen’s “Dogs Barking ‘Imperial March.'” (I hate that I’ve seen it before the game, but it’s dogs + Star Wars… Come on.) What’s that you say? I’m still upset that VW didn’t honor the warranty when my cam shaft exploded last July and cost me $5,600? Right. The night’s best commercial is going to be one for Budweiser. 
  • Megan’s pre-game pick unknowingly agreed with mine. “I’ve stayed away from the spoilers (lucky her), but Budweiser usually has good commercials.” 
  • Final score prediction: 27-23 Giants. Hooray for underdogs!
  • Megan’s final score prediction: “I want the Giants to win.”
  • If this post feels extra hip and high-tech, don’t worry, it’s not just you. Although I’ve had my iPad for eight months, this is the first post I’ve blogged on it. It’s also my first blog post using my new bluetooth keyboard. It’s also my first blog post using a Diet Dr Pepper and a can of Great Value Vegetable Medley as a stand. FYI.
5:20 p.m. Commercial Break
  • Hulu- Hollywood Sign: I love Hulu, I love Will Arnett and I LOVE shout outs to Arrested Development (“This is a $3,000 suit – come on!”) but I just don’t get the “mushy mush” stuff.

5:32 p.m. Commercial Break

  • Hyundai – Rocky: You can’t hate on this. This could be an early contender for the title.

5:38 p.m. Commercial Break

  • Audi – Vampires: I only just saw my first Twilight movie a week ago and I’m already over the vampire thing. I can’t imagine how the rest of humanity feels.
5:41 p.m. Commercial Break

  • Pepsi – Pepsi for All: Elton John, Flava Flav and Jacob Ben Israel? Who’s idea was this? [Reaches for Diet Dr Pepper]
  • Hyundai – Cheetah: Meh. A cool animal isn’t going to make me forget that “Veloster” is a terrible name for an automobile. But I do want to watch the 1990s Disney movie, Cheetah.

5:52 p.m Commercial Break

  • Bud Light Platinum: OK, so BLP is the Dr Pepper TEN of beers. And FYI, Dr Pepper TEN is awful. 
  • M&M – Naked: Heh heh…  “he just thinks my milk chocolate is showing.”

5:55 p.m. Commercial Break

  • Chevy – Apocalypse: OK, I like this. I started off bored, but they pulled me in when multiple generations of Chevy trucks showed up. The only way this would have been better is if they’d said “Dave didn’t make it. He drove a VW. Twinkie?”

6:01 p.m. Commercial Break

  • Go Daddy – Body Paint: I HATE GO DADDY AND I HATE THEIR ADS. If I were the network, I would refuse their commercials. I’m not going to link to their ads.
  • Battleship: Barf.

6:06 p.m. Commercial Break

6:08 p.m. Commercial Break

  • Tax Act – Bathroom break: File under “Funny ‘Cause it’s True.”  Plus, I’ve used Tax Act the past two years and have been very satisfied.
6:13 p.m. Commercial Break
  • VW – Fat Dog: Makes me want to lose weight, but not buy a VW. Bonus for the Cantina Scene coda. I love codas.
6:22 p.m. Commercial Break

6:30 p.m. Commercial Break

  • Phantom Menace 3D – Was it a terrible movie? Yes. Will 3D make it worse? Yes. Will I go see it again? Yes. BTW, Megan has never seen any of the SW saga.

6:35 p.m. Commercial Break

6:42 p.m. Commercial Break

— HALF TIME —

  • The game is going OK.
  • I’m surprised at the number of Patriot miscues.
  • I still hate “instant” replay.
  • The commercials need to step up their game.
  • “Commercial” is kind of a hard word to type. It keeps coming out “Commerical”
  • Diet Dr Pepper count: 2
  • Bathroom break count: 1
  • Want to see a (liberal) magazine rank the gayest Super Bowl half time shows? 
  • I’m going to dig into my feast. There’s no bun on the burger, so it’s healthy.
6:51 p.m. Commercial Break

  • BellaWood – Yella Fella: Stop it.
  • Fixed-Point.org – The Tebow Ad: You know, most Christian messages on mass media are terrible, but this was was surprisingly well done. I’m only sorry it drags poor Tim Tebow back into the spotlight. The man deserves a vacation. I don’t know the full background of the Fixed-Point folks, but it’s not a bad ad. I’m also going to be sad if it just turns out to be a commercial for some guy’s book.

6:59 p.m. Commercial Break

  • Hulu – Hulubratory:  Ugh. I still don’t get it. I liked the “sprig of mint.” Could’ve used more Arrested Development.

7:17 p.m. Commercial Break

  • Chrysler – Half Time in America: It’s good, but I came into it thinking it was a political ad. But it has Clint Eastwood, and I like it. And “It’s half time” is a good metaphor to inspire people not to give up, but it suggests that the USA will cease to be in the year 2248. My only question is, can we change quarterbacks?

7:39 p.m. Commercial Break

  • Fiat 500 – Abarth: Effective. From watching Top Gear on BBC America, I know that this is a legit “hot hatch” in Europe. But could they seriously not find a better “Americanized” name? It’s a little heavy on the “sex sells” thing, but it’s still better than Go Daddy.

7:41 p.m. Commercial Break

7:48 p.m. Commercial Break

  • Budweiser – Prohibition 2: I enjoy serialized commercials, but I kind of resent the idea that America’s accomplishments of the past century are all due to beer. 

8:05 Commercial Break

8:11 p.m. Commercial Break

  • Hyundai – Heimlich: I laughed. 
  • Bud Light – Here We Go: I liked it, even though that was one ugly dog. It reminds me of the time I was talking to my boss about his toy poodle, Gidget. “Yeah, she’s a rescue dog.” “Oh, that’s cool.” It was a good 5 minutes before I realized that “rescue dog” meant she’d come from a animal shelter and not from rescuing avalanche victims in the Alps. 

8:19 p.m. Commercial Break

  • Kia – Mr. Sandman: I was going to overlook this one, but then they brought in a bucking rhino. Well played, Kia. well played.
  • Careerbuilder.com – Monkeys: I’m over monkeys. I refuse to link to more monkeys.

8:26 p.m. Commercial Break

  • Samsung – Next Big Thing: I LOVE the band The Darkness, so any commercial featuring one their songs is going to be in the running for my favorite. Plus, it’s a long-form commercial. It’s hard to do those well. Bottom line: The Darkness have a great catalog of songs. They should be used more.

8:41 p.m. Commercial Break

  • Go Daddy – Heaven: You know, I could forgive their crassness if only they had the slightest bit of wit. They don’t, so I can’t. Can’t we, as a society, agree that we’ve grown beyond this? The Fiat Abarth commercial is only 10 percent less salacious, but it’s 100 times better for it.
The Winners
Gosh. Nothing really stood out. It was a weak field and I’m a little depressed. Hyundai’s Rocky was pretty good. Chrysler’s Halftime in America was good too. Fixed-Point.org’s was good just because it was surprising. I laughed at M&M’s Naked and I cheered with Samsung’s use of “I Believe in a Thing Called Love.” The Doritos ads were all pretty good too. There are no real winners, only losers: Go Daddy and Tom Brady.
For the record, Megan waffled between the Samsung commercial and the M&M spot. She also hated the Go Daddy adverts. What about your choices?  Where did I go wrong?
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