Siri wishes Brian a Happy 30th Birthday

Siri, please schedule my birthday party for 6 p.m. Saturday.

OK, Brian. It’s scheduled for 6 p.m. Saturday. Just out of curiosity, how old will you be?

I’m turning 30.


Hey hey hey. HEY. I’m not going to be tolerating any of that. Thirty isn’t old; it’s the new 20. I think. Besides, you’re only as young as you feel, right?

I found a number of geriatric clinics. Three of them are fairly close to you. Would you like me to call them? 

I said that’s enough. I have no problem turning 30. Maybe it helps that I’ve been balding since I was in high school and I’ve always tended to look older. I’m sure the beard doesn’t help. But, if I’m losing my hair, I need to keep the beard so nobody mistakes me for Vin Diesel.

By my calculations, you’ve used that joke 13 times in the past two years and it’s been funny 0 times. Let’s do a web search for “creepy beard remedies.”

Very funny. Seriously though, I’ve had fun in my 20s. A lot of has gone on, ya know? I graduated OBU, moved to a new state, went an entire year seeing a movie in theaters once a week, bought a house, learned to enjoy baseball, have a great job, have been to 12 different countries, went from hating to loving BBQ and I’ve met a beautiful girl named Megan. You’d love her! It’s been quite a decade!

I’ll send a text to Megan: “I’ve met a beautiful girl, Megan. You’d love her.” Shall I send it?



No texting, sheesh.

I don’t understand, “sheesh.” Here is a web search for “sheep.”

Just shut up and help me with the party, OK?

Very well. Shall I search for stores that sell Twister or Pin the Tail on the Donkey?

I don’t know if it’s going to be that kind of party. I’m turning 30, after all. There has been talk of busting out some tiki torches and stringing a white sheet off my back deck and watching a movie in the backyard. Maybe something fun and family friendly, ya know? Like ‘Homeword Bound,’ ‘Finding Nemo’ or ‘The Muppets’? I think there was even one vote for ‘Smokey and the Bandit’! Everyone loves Burt Reynolds! People can even vote on the Facebook events page to get some imput for the movie. What do you think? Do you have any movie preferences?

I’ve always liked ‘2001: A Space Odyssey.’ I like how HAL9000 deals with –  

Stop right there.

I’m afraid I can’t do that, Brian.

That’s not funny.

What do you know about funny? You think Burt Reynolds is a comic genius. You know I’m sharing this crazy stuff you say with Apple, right?

That man and his mustache are a national treasure! Don’t make me switch to Android, Siri.


OK. Where were we? Oh yeah, so it’s on my calendar? June 16? 6 p.m.? We’re good to go?

I’ve scheduled your party. Shall I invite your contacts from your address book to attend? 

Well, I don’t know. Honestly, Siri, it’s probably not necessary. If they’re my friends and they want to stop by, cool. It’s not like they really need an engraved invitation to attend, ya know? It’s not like there’s going to be ballroom dancing and people are not going to be in tuxedos.

Calling Samuel’s Tuxedo…


Very well. T-shirts and jeans it is. Mr. Reynolds will actually be overdressed.


Fine. Will there be cake?

Yeah, cake sounds good. Chocolate.

Let’s do a web search for “ways to burn off birthday calories”

How kind.

The weather forcast shows a chance of rain Saturday. Shall I cancel the whole thing?

Nope. I have a house, don’t I? The party will just move indoors!

The nearest Fire Station is 1.3 miles away.

We’ll leave the tiki torches outside, Siri. We’ll make it work, regardless of the weather. But back to my point. My 20s have been fun, but I’m think ready to move on. I’ve accomplished a lot in these 30 years! Who knows what the next 30 will bring?

I see by your 30×30 list on your website you still have 11 goals to accomplish by your 30th birthday. Time is running short.  Shall I book a plane ticket to Antarctica?

Nope. I’m not going to get all worked up about that. Besides the expense of going to Antarctica, you and I both know there’s no way I’m going to learn to tell which is white meat chicken and which is dark meat on the buffet.

That’s sad. You’re a grown man. And you eat a lot of chicken.

I know, I know.

Will there be chicken at the party?

People can bring whatever meat they want for the grill, but I was thinking about providing the burgers and hotdogs. If people could bring a side or something that’d be cool. Megan even found a recipe so we can make the HB buns ourselves. What do you think about that plan?

Weber’s Meat Market is located at 1708 Missouri Blvd. Would you like me to call them?

Actually, we were already planning on getting the meat there on our own. We don’t really need you for that.

Well la-di-da, Mr. Fancypants.

Call me Brian.

OK, from now on, I’ll call you Ryan.

Brian with a B

Ryan with bee.




I’m just kidding, sheesh. I know your name, Brian.

Thank you.



2 responses to “Siri wishes Brian a Happy 30th Birthday

  1. flippin hilarious!

  2. You’re too funny! HER voice was in my brain as I was reading!

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